Sentenced to a Sabbatical

O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage. Have compassion on me Lord, for I am weak. Heal me Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long O Lord, until you restore me? Psalm 6:1-3 NLT.

Sabbaticals are a relatively new exercise among Evangelicals, they have become common among protestant clergy in the last twenty-five years. When I started in the 1970s, to ask for a paid Sabbatical would have stirred the leadership to ask, “What’s wrong with you?” Back then Academics got them, Monks got them, high church clergy who had been trained and served in elite institutions got them. But in my world, they were rare. But now God has seen fit to sentence me to a sabbatical. It is not voluntary, it wasn’t prayed for, and frankly, it is unwelcome.

This has revolutionized my life, not in the sense that it is earth shattering or cultural transforming. Literally, a revolution is taking an object and rotating it from top to bottom, technically, a half revolution where 12 Noon becomes 6:00 PM. What was on top, is now on bottom—that sort of revolution, a life upside down. The challenge is unexplained blood pressure changes and the need to control and understand them. I am limited in my ability to travel and fulfill many of my obligations. I am making decisions on these events as I move along. I will continue to write the column No Longer a Bystander and the book I will Not Bow Down will still be released. My other activities are uncertain. I now join a chorus of God’s family calling out for help to him daily. Some days he seems to answer, others, not so much.

Jesus experienced unanswered prayer, “Lord, may this cup pass from me.” There were times when the heavens seemed to close even for the Son of God. Jesus was a man of sorrows. He was deeply moved by so much—his friend Lazarus’ death (John 11). He had compassion on the multitudes, (Mt. 9:36-40), he was deeply angered by the prostitution of his Temple, (John 2), and he wept over Jerusalem (Mt. 23). We are told he knows what it is like when we suffer. For the record, suffering is a big word with many levels of experience. I like Elizabeth Elliot’s definition, “Suffering is having what you don’t want and not having what you do want.” A lot of life fits into that. On the cross Jesus lost all his inner peace—he went to hell for us.

I have been doing a lot of reading and listening to audio resources on the subject suffering. It is quite common and never welcome. But we are called to handle it in a certain way when it visits us. “For God called you to do good even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example and you must follow in his steps.” (1Peter 2:21) I grant you, this sounds more like suffering directly because of obedience to Christ than it does suffering for a variety of maladies because of our fallenness. There is a case to be made that it is an attack of Satan, but doesn’t trouble, in effect, find its source in Lucifer’s malevolence toward God’s children? No doubt the Devil is like a roaring lion prowling about seeking to destroy us.^[1] I think the helpful part is that Christ suffered, and He can sympathize with our weaknesses and sufferings (Hebrews 4:14-16).  And because of that we are encouraged to boldly pray before God’s throne to find grace in time of need. I think what ensues when a hurting Christian encounters his or her Gracious God, the one who promised never to leave or forsake us.^[2]

Somehow, the study of suffering is good, but then it stops helping. Spending too much time thinking about it, living in fear of it, and digging for answers can be exhausting. Admitting that to not being in control is a huge battle, it ebbs and flows. Somedays it works to let it go, release to God. After all Jesus told us, “Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough trouble of its own.” 

Walking Away

Trouble introduces us to ourselves in ways that are frightening. We might recall the words of James “But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what is says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.” ^[3]

It is quite common for us to see the truth about ourselves, not like it, and walk away and intentionally forget it. But there is some pain and trouble that can’t be ignored such as lying awake at night or troubled during the day. You realize there is no getting out of this. This is particularly difficult if you find yourself riddled with worry or indecision, or just old-fashioned fear. You quote long held Bible verses that help for a while, but the trouble continues, and your fears returns. You even know that the Bible says “fear not” 365 times. But who wouldn’t rather walk away and think about something else? This type of persistent inner turmoil takes you to the Psalms and Job, for comfort and insight. You read, “In peace I will lied down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord will keep me safe.” (Psalm 4:8) You repeat it, yet sleep is elusive, you lie awake in the night and your mind fills up with even more trouble. But then there is Psalm 5:1—O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God.” These are not mere words, we mean them, we believe them, we really want them to come true. The Psalms tell us that we are not the first and we won’t be the last who to cry out in the night. Keep reading or praying into Psalm 6: “O Lord don’t rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage. Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?” 

“Sick at heart,” “weak,” basically, now you’ve had it, you’re out of ideas, resources, and even hope. This is when you get to the groaning stage.

…the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. This is interesting because that is exactly what happens. It is almost like saying, “OK God, what do you want, I’m out of ideas, what should I ask for, what should I say, what are the magic words?” Paul helps us here in the Romans passage, “But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” We are not only groaning in our spirits, but God, the Holy Spirit, goes into the prayer with us. “And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” ^[4]

I suppose this crying, praying, pleading, and getting to know myself is part of my sabbatical. So far, I am not resting from all my responsibilities, but I am getting to know Bill, a sinner, a weak man, saved by grace and sustained by a strong and able God. I am resting from the image and personality I have become. And I might add, I thank God for what He has made me. If only I can get him to cooperate. On the other hand, “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  We are not being punished, that punishment fell on Jesus when he became sin. ^[5]

When things are dark and disappointing

When we struggle with prayer and suffering, and heaven seems closed for business, there are a couple of thoughts that might help. When Jesus was hanging on the cross, not one of his followers thought it was a good thing. In fact, they thought, what a tragedy! It seemed to be the worst thing that could possibly happen. “What a waste, he was in his prime, think of how much he could have accomplished, the movement will die.” Yet, they were staring at the greatest work that God had ever done. He was taking his world back. He was saving the world by dying for it. When you see or experience something horrible, think of how God is at work and will pull it all together for you and those you love. One pastor explained his understanding in this way. He was speaking of what he thought God was thinking:

 “Whenever a child of mine makes a request, I give that child what they would have asked for if they knew everything that I know.” And what does he know? I close with an example.

“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand.” Psalm 139:1-6

Bill Hull

October 2023

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^[1] I Peter 5:8,9. The majority of this passage is helping people cope with persecution directly related to their being Christians. In today’s environment and its rampant secularity this is a difficult diagnosis for any of us who are struggling with physical maladies. I want to be careful not to rely on promises that are made to people in a very different situation. In general, however, these passages help us see the heart and care of God. I find much comfort in Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God,” even though it related to the Assyrians siege of Jerusalem.

^[2] Hebrews 13:5.

^[3] James 1:22-24 NLT.

^[4] Romans 8:26-28

^[5] 2 Corinthians 5:21.